Dracula 2000 (2000)

Directed by: Patrick Lussier
Starring: Gerard Butler; Johnny Lee Miller; Jennifer Esposito; Nathan Fillion; Omar Epps (from House); the curly guy from That Seventies Show; and Seven of Nine.

I was in the mood for something vampy. The mood doesn't strike often because I rarely find bloodsuckers scary,  but I was feeling optimistic today.

Van Helsing's "great grandson" is in London dealing in antiques and denying the legend of his ancestor. When a group of thieves break into his vault they find a secret which belies Van Helsing's unassuming exterior. A metal coffin. They come up with some plausible reasons to break the coffin open, which turns out to be a bad idea.

They make off with the coffin to the sounds of an overpowering noughties soundtrack. At this point I have to say that some of the accents are also fairly offensive but I let it slide because the film is surprisingly engaging. Spooky Drac mist seeping out of the coffin?! Hell yes!

Yes I know, it's silly, it's stagey and improbable but aren't all films featuring Dracula?  And Gerard Butler makes a delicious Count.

30 minutes into the film and the thieves have all gotten theirs but Drac has only one thing on his mind. A girl named Mary, whom he is compelled to find. Since she has been dreaming of a tall pasty stranger since childhood it seems the feeling is mutual. The reason for this fascination is set out in a dull lengthy exposition by Van Helsing to his protoge Simon. It has something to do with leaches.

Don't worry there are a few unexpected chuckles throughout the film, which do take the edge off the otherwise grandiose storytelling.

Anyway, Simon (Miller) endeavours to protect Mary from the vampires and between them they try to figure out how Count Dracula can be destroyed. And here an interesting concept is floated - one which I (as a vamp film neophyte) had not heard before. Dracula' s hatred of all things Christian, where does it come from? He's averse to crosses, silver, sunlight - why?  He also speaks Aramaic which hasn't been popular for about 2000 years...hang on a second...is it possible that Dracula is quite a bit older than Bram Stoker had us believe?

In my humble opinion a potentially trashy idea was employed quite neatly. It's not a brilliant film but it's watchable. I liked the vampire make-up, very understated and Esposito is just fab to look at. Also, though I hate to repeat myself, there is lovely lovely Gerard Butler. 5/10.

The Ward (2010)

Directed by John Carpenter
Starring Amber Heard, Jared Harris and Lyndsy Fonseca

No doubt Mr Carpenter should be forever revered for Halloween,  but that does not mean he can't make a bad film. Do I need to mention Ghosts of Mars? Or the tragic soundtrack to Vampires? The fact that this film is directed by him gives me hope. The fact that I never heard of it before fills me with concern.

In 1966 a pretty young girl named Kristen is caught setting fire to a remote farmhouse. She had no memory of why she is there or who she was before this act. She is summarily thrown into mental hospital.

Her room is a cell and the girls are 'locked down' at night but Kristen believes she has seen a girl roaming the corridors. The ward nurse is mean, the doctor seems nice. The four other patients are stereotypes: the child, the crazy, the priss and the whore.

The setting is perfect for a horror movie - dark creepy old hospital,  vulnerable young girls, trapped in the dark with lightening flashing outside - but it falls curiously flat. Scenes cut from one to the next with nothing really happening, it seems like bad writing as well as bad editing.

Kristen is terrorised by visions of a zombie-looking girl and it seems she's not the only one. Another girl is mercilessly lobotomised by the scary mary. I do like the fact that this monster defies classification.  She looks like a zombie but dissapears like a ghost, she's corporeal but cannot always be seen.

I expected the film to explore the themes of captivity and mental illness- is there a haunting or is she just crazy? are the doctors helping or using the patients for nefarious experiments? Will the girl stand true to her own mind or accept what she is told? Instead the film plays it as a straight haunting throughout and then offers a limp 'haha!' at the end - by which point I had already become completely pissed off by the implausible occurances and lack of explanations.

Not impressed John, not impressed. Think I'm going to give this woopsie a 3/10. You can safely avoid it folks.

Black Christmas (1974)

A Canadian film starring Margot (Lois Lane) Kidder and Olivia (Juliet)Hussey.
All I knew before watching was that this film pre-dates Halloween and Friday 13th and is sometimes referred to as the first slasher.

Set in a sorority house and based on an archetypal horror story the film hangs together quite well. It's not as gory as its later counterparts and the body count is lower but there are plenty of creeps provided by the 'prank' phonecalls being made to the girls at the house.

These phonecalls include mumbling, squealing, screaming, panting and schizoid voice changes with an unnatural urgency. If I was getting these calls? I would be sleeping with on eye open.

The tension in the house escalates when one of the girls goes missing and another is found dead in a local park. Pretty young Jess (Hussey) seems to be bearing the brunt of the calls and after she upsets her boyfriend he begins to behave erratically causing the finger of suspicion to point his way.

The film takes its time. It's not just a sequence of murders strung together. Despite the patchy acting, some of the characters are quite interesting and Hussey is oddly watchable. As we approach the climax I do actually care - who is the killer? What's the twist? Did the boyfriend do it??

We see the inevitable call from the police. Having traced the prank calls they tell Jess that they've been coming from...inside the house! Shock!  Horror! Jess knows she should leave the house but her friends are still upstairs, what to do? She narrowly escapes and hides from the monster awaiting the final showdown. In the whole film to this point we have yet to see this psychotic maniac killer.

The close is perfect, some will disagree, but I liked it. Beautifully subdued and quiet. Open ended in the way of a good scary story (before the franchise era made us groan at the end of every sequel).

I enjoyed it but it didn't move me so it's getting a 6/10.

Four for the price of one!

Crap. Blogger just lost my draft of this entry when I was three paragraphs in. Damn you blogger.

I was saying that I have seen a few movies recently and whilst I didn't make notes at the time I definitely have something to say.

Friday 13th (2009 remake)
Boring. Dull, pointless. Lacking panache or fun. Characters avoid being stereotypes by being utterly bland and forgettable. Not a patch on the original and less memorable thsn Jason X.
3/10

Child's Play 3 (1991)
Dissappointing. Not as good as I remembered! There was a lot of fuss about this movie in the 90s and the impact it had on the terrible actions of young boys. This film is tired. Having a semi-grown Andy in a military setting (why?) is just nonsense.  There is enough Chucky for me to give it a 5, but I won't be watching it again for a while.

World War Z (2013)
Starring Brad Pitt. Wow. An intelligent,  big budget, zombie apocalypse movie.
It looks great,  it's original and bloody tense. Featuring the new trend of fast zombies and even more frightening - fast infection,  the scares come from the relentless nature of the plague. It's an intense film with great moments - like the first time a zombie headbutts it's way through a car windshield. Must see again 8/10.

Evil Dead (2013)
Directed by Fede Alvarez.
Supremo horror movie. Unexpected near perfection.  Love love loved it!!
This is the best remake I have ever seen and the best horror movie I have seen this year.
I loved the original and did not think for a second that a remake could come close. They kept the key elements but really made their own film. A film which was gory, gross, funny and actually bloody scary. I just can't praise it enough. It's not the cult film that it's big brothers have become but it's a great movie in its own right. Own it! Happy to award my first 9/10!!

Child's Play 2 1990

Dir: John Lafia
St: Brad Dourif;  Alex Vincent;  Christine Elise; Jenny Agutter

At the end of the first film Chucky, the evil killer doll, was somewhat...charred. As the sequel opens we see the doll being refurbished.  Apparently the toy company wants to find the cause of the reported 'malfunction'.

The first death happens almost immediately and tells us what sort of film we can expect. It's ridiculous and cartoonish with no sense of horror whatsoever. I doubt anyone over the age of 12 would even blink. But it does signify that Chucky is back.

His little friend Andy Barclay is in foster care after his mum was sectioned for raving about a killer doll. Now Chucky needs to track him down to avoid being trapped in his plastic form forever. He escapes the factory when a toy exec throws him in the boot of his car. He repeatedly slams the door on the doll's head and we think 'uh oh,he's not going to like that!'.

There is no mystery in this film. Chucky is facially and physically mobile from the start and wise cracking all the way. Unfortunately this means the film is less scary than the first and lacks suspense in the beginning but tension is still created by Chucky's relentless stalking.

Andy (still cute) is staying with a sweet little family who have no idea what they are getting into when they take Andy into their home. Chucky quickly manages to infiltrate the house by taking the place of another Good Guy doll (is there a word for doll murder? Plasticide perhaps?).

Of course Andy's foster parents don't heed his warnings about Chucky and they both meet a nasty end. There are a couple of nice hints early in the film to potential grisly murder weapons. One is a brutal looking machine in the toy factory and the other is an old fashioned sewing machine which we fear could be used to horrible effect.

People seem to die in really schlocky ways, with bug eyes and mouths agape - neither scary nor gruesome. In parts the film actually seems more parody than sequel. Still I cannot deny how messed up Chucky can look. His expression is feral, brutal and inhuman.An actors face can only move in certain ways but with a doll the features can be distorted to monstrous proportions.

Andy's foster sister, Kyle, doesn't seem too phased by a knife wielding devil-doll and I had to wonder if she was a sassy precursor to Sydney Prescott five years later?  When Chucky eventually catches up to Andy it's Kyle to the rescue. Very improbably the final players end up at the toy factory. We get another little nod to Kubrick here as Kyle and Andy are pursued through a maze of boxes.

I must admit that the escape scene in the toy factory is fairly nerve jangling,  with Chucky's grotesquely determined face and his hellish screams when he tries to free his trapped hand from a machine.

In fact the closing scenes of this film are amongst my favourite in all horror movies and I'm not going to spoil it by saying more... Ok let me just say that there is gore, tension and some full on scary nastiness. Chucky's curtain call is spectacularly gruesome, almost barf worthy.  Let's face it,  there are things you can do to plastic that you csnnot do ti flesh. And a hybrid of the two is just gross.

As with the first film, suspend disbelief,  munch your popcorn and have a laugh. It's not a masterpiece but its watchable and the ending merits 6/10.

Dragged back from hell

I haven't abandoned you blog! It is just my nature to flit between projects. Whilst I've been away I did happen to see Paranorman - which I highly recommend to zombie fans (yes it's an animation but it's beautifully done and funny too) and Drag Me to Hell.

I was expecting good things from Sam Raimi's offering and it did have his trademark gross out black humour with some really 'urgh!!' moments. Unfortunately the ending was far too predictable for me and I spent the last 10 minutes waiting to be proved wrong. It's a shame. And I'm not the best at 'guess the twist' so it must have been pretty obvious.

Still worth a look though, if only to see the young heroine repeatedly violated by nasty things going into her mouth. Seriously.

Anyway I will shortly upload the reviews for Angel Heart and Child's Play 2 and then I'm watching something paranormal which will freak the shit out of me no doubt.

Child's Play 1988

Director: Tom Holland
Starring: Catherine Hicks; Alex Vincent; Brad Dourif

I was so excited to see this film again. I remember it scared the pants off me as a kid. I accidentally saw a snippet of it on satellite TV aged around 10 and Chucky lurked in my subconscious for years.

The story is that a working single mum wants to get her kid the toy he desperately desires for his birthday. A moving, talking doll called a Good Guy. But these dolls are expensive, so when mum finds one for sale from a grubby character for a bargain price, she takes a gamble. Little Andy is thrilled with his new pal Chucky.

When Andy's babysitter, Maggie, orders him to bed it seems that Chucky doesn't like this. We don't actually see him move, but suddenly there he is - in the armchair watching the 9 o'clock news.

This is followed by a scene of classic shock-horror devices. Maggie hears some odd noises and walks slowly around the flat to investigate. She peers into dark corners and we feel the delicious anticipation waiting for a 'Boo!' when the doll attacks. Ultimately Maggie's demise is completely implausible but it does end with a satisfying thuDD.

You see, Chucky is no ordinary doll. He's possesed by the spirit of a serial murderer named Charles Lee Ray and he is looking for some old fashioned revenge. In my opinion the doll is almost creepy enough without the homicidal killer possesion. Seriously who would buy that ugly thing for a child!?

Andy seems to like him though, despite Chucky's habit of whispering nastiness in his ear. Poor little Andy trudging along in his snowsuit carrying this monster with him. We feel on edge as we are aware of the constant peril and we wonder how far the film will go to threaten this cute little kid. Alex Vincent is fantastic by the way. Cute and smart but without the saccharin Disney aftertaste.

When Andy turns up at a second crime scene and starts telling the police that his doll is alive, his mum has to decide whether her son is crazy or Chucky is truly evil. On finding evidence of the latter she threatens Chucky with the fireplace unless he talks.

This is a great scene. Until now we only see people move the doll or him appear somewhere he shouldn't be. When he is confronted he reveals his true nature. The doll's face becomes contorted with rage and he attacks her. It's scary and funny at the same time. The switch from a waxy faced doll to the furious demented killer is frightening and, well, awesome.

From this point the film asks us to accept a lot if implausible actions from the central characters.  Yes, I realise it's an implausible premise to begin with, but aren't all monster movies? The best ones work because the horror is so firmly embedded in a familiar rational world. It's the contrast that makes it convincing and therefore horrifying.

The film gets sillier and less frightening in the last 30 minutes, but just about pulls it together for the ending.  Trapped in the house, the survivors hide from vengeful Chucky who manages a nice little Kubrick homage as he chops through the bedroom door with an axe.

Turns out, it takes an awful lot to stop a voodoo animated hunk of plastic and Chucky gets a glorious, graphic and painful death.

The film is cheesy and you really need to suspend all disbelief before watching. The script isn't great, but the cast do well with it. In my view it's a true horror rather than horror-comedy and it delivers the requisite shocks in it's short run time. Above all the film intoduces us to Chucky who is just horrible and the effects used to animate his facial expressions are really great.

Many may not agree but I really like this film and I have to give it a 7/10. If you haven't seen it - give it go. And let me know what you think.

When the Kitty's away...

...she's usually watching more movies!

I know I've been a bit slack about updating but as I have no followers as yet, I will forgive myself.

I went back to work this week after an extended period of r'n'r so I've been fairly busy. But fear not! My priorities remain intact.

As well as watching a couple of movies to comment on I also caught the following just for fun: the Dark Knight trilogy; We Need to Talk about Kevin (with the superb Tilda Swinton); Predator; Hot Fuzz and Silence of the Lambs.

I'm not reviewing SotL at this time but I do rate Hopkins and Foster in that film if no other. And it always makes me hungry. Is that bad?

The Phantom Carriage 1921

Directed by and starring:
Victor Sjöström

This black and white Swedish film was the earliest I could lay my hands on immediately. It feels quite magical watching a piece of film history. Even before anything has happened the sepia toned images give the images drama.

Sister Edit is dying of consumption and she asks for a man named David Holm to come to her bedside. Her friends consider this a scandalous request but they set out to find him anyway.

David (Sjöström) is celebrating New Years Eve with some friends and several drinks. David begins to tell a tale about their old friend Georges and we are transported into a story within the story.

David recalls how Georges was mortally afraid of dying on New Years Eve as he believed that he would be doomed to drive Death's carriage to collect the souls of the dead. He says that each day of servitude feels like a hundred years.

For the silent format I believe the acting was wonderful,  mixing naturalism with melodrama for effect. This is a different way of telling stories than a 21st century audience is used to, but it really captured my imagination. The images are also remarkably clear and the music is perfect - woodwind and brass weep and sigh ethereally.

We are shown the ghostly carriage and the hooded figure moving through doors collecting the dead. The cart and figure are given a spectral translucent quality through the use of a double exposure technique (which at the time would have been technically difficult). It remains an impressive visual effect.

David recieves the message to visit Edit but he refuses and winds up in a drunken brawl which sees him killed just before the stroke of midnight. As the phantom coach arrives David's spirit sits up from his body to see its arrival. The driver is none other than his friend Georges, who explains that it is now David's turn to take the reigns.

Through a series of flashbacks we witness David's life of drunken selfishness.  He is a self pitying and unrepenting figure who made life unbearable for those around him. There is a very frightening scene where he hacks through a door with an axe to get to his terrified wife (scarier than Jack Nicholson in my book). Sjöström does a great job of eliciting both disgust and pity from the audience.

We begin ro understand why it is so important for Edit to see David and the dramatic irony is gripping as we know this cannot be.

In terms of film making this seems to my humble untrained eye to be a work of great skill. It uses non-linnear narrative, flashbacks and special effects as well as excellent performances. This is a tragic morality tale (similar to but darker than A Christmas Carol). The suspense is high at the ending - I was on the edge of my seat.

I was surprised how much I enjoyed this film and it deserves 7/10.

I was planning to look at Nosferatu next HOWEVER I have seen it before and I am very well versed with Bram Stoker's tale. I don't think I can give this iconic film an objective review and until I feel this is possible I have decided to leave it alone.

A fresh approach?

There are so many movies coming to my attention which I am getting excited about. I think I may have to ditch the themed weeks and just go with the flow for a while.

The idea of watching a cluster of films by decade or subgenre was so that I could really immerse myself in one style in order to learn more about it. It also helped to make comparisons between films with at least some linking feature.

But in order to keep things fresh and not lose the joy and excitement of watching the movies I need to go with my gut a little more. There are currently 10 titles on my 'must watch' list and they are demanding my attention.

This week I had intended to take a break from the viscera and check out some golden oldies from the 1920s. We'll see how this goes, but I can tell you that a certain red-headed Good Guy is tugging at my sleeve and I wouldn't want to keep him waiting too long...

The Return of the Living Dead 1985

Director: Dan O Bannon
Starring: James Karen; Clu Galager; Don Calfa; Linnea Quigley

Young Freddy has just started working at a medical supplies warehouse which, amongst other things, stocks skeletons, cadavers and 'split dogs'. Uch. Whilst showing Freddy the ropes his new supervisor, Frank, starts bragging about some corpses they have in the basement.

He asks Freddy if he has seen 'Night of the Living Dead' and claims that the film was based on true events. He says after the army had rounded up the re-animated corpses they ended up in the warehouse basement. Sounds unlikely but there they are in airtight zombie pickle jars. Whilst having a sneaky peak the pair damage one of the containers and release a toxic gas into the air.

I was struck in the opening scenes by the vivid colours which really emphasise the lurid cartoon style of the movie.  It also shows off the punk characters in their full glory.

These punks are friends of young Fred and before they pick him up from work they decide to kill time in the nearby cemetery. Why not eh? One of the girls 'Trash' (Linnea Quigley) inexplicably decides to get naked and remains that way for most of the film.

Back in the warehouse Frank and Freddy wake up on the floor only to realise that the gas has awoken the cadaver hanging in the cooler. Freaked out Frank recalls the lesson from NOTLD - destroy the brain.  Unfortunately this film rewrites the accepted rules ("You mean the movie lied?!") and even with a pick axe through its head, this zombie refuses to lay still.

When total body dismemberment fails, they take the still wriggling parts to a friendly mortician to get them cremated. Alas, this releases the zombie virus into the atmosphere and when it rains the local cemetery starts to wake up. Tons of zombies, in various states of decay, burst from their graves and savage poor nekkid Trash.

In the warehouse basement we get to meet Tar Man - one of the pickled zombies who has been in storage for 15 years. The effects here are fantastic.He's so slimy and skeletal it is difficult to tell whether he is a puppet or actor in make-up. His appearance is gruesome but I also found his pop-eyed skull face had lots of character. And I almost clapped my hands with glee when he groaned the immortal line: "Braaiins!"

The survivors gather in the mortuary as events continue to escalate. They have no hope of escape and can only watch as cops and ambulances arrive on the scene to be mobbed by the growing army of undead.  The zombies even figure out how to use the emergency vehicle's radio "send more cops!" It's like ordering a takeaway! As the ferocity builds you genuinely want to know how this is going to end.

The special effects are absolutely spot on - especially the animatronic skeletal half-zombie who takes a chunk out of one mohawked head. She is sensational. All the zombies are delightfully cartoonish with big facial expressions, not to mention convincing decomposition.  And they're green!!

The film contains some blood and gore as you would expect from a zombie flick, but its well balanced without gratuitous lingering shots and it works well in the context of the action.

There is a dark side to the film too. The suffering that Frank and Freddy experience is quite disturbing and the reason given for the zombies' hunger for brains is genuinely horrifying.

The film is not a mindless zombie romp (though it appears to be) it is a black comedy played entirely straight. I didn't find it laugh out loud funny, but it is fun and the darker subtleties will leave you thinking. No doubt the visuals are what impressed me most, both in concept and execution.  The film popularised a cool and distinctive look for zombies in film. I couldn't possibly give it less than 7/10.

NB.
I also wanted to add a note about Linnea Quigley. Though in this film she does little more than writhe around naked, she has become something of an icon in exploitation films. She starred in such epic titles as "Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-a-Rama" and "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" as well as over 60 other horror titles! Nice work lady!!

Resident Evil: Afterlife 2010

Written and directed by: Paul WS Anderson
Starring: Milla Jovovich; Wentworth Miller; Ali Larter; Kim Coates

I saw the first of these films several years ago and recall it had some interesting ideas and may have been vaguely scary. I haven't seen any of the intervening titles. I also recognise that purists may not consider this a true zombie title - but infectious re-animated corpses are good enough for me.

Four years ago the evil Umbrella Corporation was responsible for the 'T- virus' wiping out most of the planet and they are still operating underground in Tokyo, apparently experimenting on victims. 

Alice (Jovovich) was at ground zero when the outbreak began and we understand that she is now a virally enhanced super ninja who is trying to take down the corporation. After an action packed gun fight between her clones(?!) and some stormtroopers,  Tokyo is completely destroyed along with most of the city. Alice then heads off to search for survivors.

I like Milla Jovovich, despite her limited range of facial expressions, she is watchable. I can even tolerate her Sarah Connor style voice over, but many may not agree. She even pulls off poignant when she questions whether she is the last person on earth.

Eventually finding one survivor Alice flies back to LA where she finds another improbable group hiding in an abandoned prison. The prison gates are doing a good job of keeping out the horde of baying zombies, but the sheer number of them is staggering. Their efforts to breach the prison gates and the dreadful rage on their faces sets the tension simmering.

Then out of nowhere, a truly creepy sight. A very large hooded figure walking down the deserted LA streets dragging a giant meat tenderiser/ scythe smeared with blood. As the survivors plan their next move the incongrous yet terrifying hooded monster joins the masses at the gates and begins to pound on them relentlessly. It's only a matter of time before hundreds of raging undead overrun the facility.

Sadly the film doesn't know how to capitalise on the tension and whilst there are few moments of excitement when the survivors escape, the pace then then slackens completely and I started to lose interest.  The group end up in an Umbrella Corp stronghold where victims are inexplicably being kept in cold storage. The ensuing action scenes are highly derivative of the Matrix and have nothing to do with zombies. The ending is dull and sets the stage for inevitable next film.

The stylish camera work and CGI promised in the films opening scenes grows tiresome and self congratulatory by the end. There is also a massive overuse of slow-motion footage. 

A few parts of the movie showed promise but they were quickly ditched to move on to the next concept. Lots of ideas are floated but none are developed, perhaps this is another tool to persuade viewers to see the next movie? Nothing  in the film feels new or creative and the overall result is a forgettable film which doesn't know quite what it wants to be and is unable to deliver on any count.

I'm giving it a 4/10 because it's bland, derivative and seems to be just another slice of the franchise instead of a stand alone movie.

Shopping!

Just got back from trawling my local pre-owned DVD shop. Happy happy days! 

I snagged:
Child's Play 1-3;
Angel Heart;
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (original and uncut);
Boogeyman (2004) and
The Return of the Living Dead.

All for a princely sum of £17.75. Can I get a "Hell Yeah!!"?

Zombie Nation 2004

Director: Ulli Lommel
Starring: Gunter Ziegler

I'm going to keep this as brief as possible because I actually begrudge spending any more time on this unmitigated piece of crap.

Singer is a vile misogynistic cop, a fact the script beats over our heads when he arrests his first victim. He manhandles her into a warehouse and kills her whilst his bemused partner waits outside. Singer comes out without the woman but carrying a very large and heavy bag. His partner seems to accept his piss poor explanation.

The twisted cop then kills the wrong girl. She's just been to see some voodoo women who doused her in pig blood and encouraged a large snake towards her lady garden. You know, for protection.

At this point the murdered girls begin to rise from the dead and the film becomes even more objectionable. Despite the fairly cool looking zombie on the DVD cover, what we actually get is chicks wearing too much black eye make-up. Terrifying. These 'zombies' can talk, drive, dance and apparently apply for jobs. A note here on the title: Racoon eyes do not a zombie make and while we're at it - five is not a nation.

The acting is bad. Bad, bad, BAD.
But the script, directing and editing are equally terrible.  Each scene is about 10 seconds long and there is no plot - just a random jumble of events including an appalling Marathon Man rip-off; senseless flashbacks and a random fight club scene. Most characters are detestible the rest are a homogenous blur.

It's clear that most of the set was constructed in the same warehouse and this is particularly grating in the police station scenes. The camera angle doesn't even attempt to disguise the exposed brick and pipes or the false lighting.

I'm all for low budget films so long as they are not also devoid of intelligence,skill and imagination.

I just can't say any more. This film is the biggest pile of shite I ever saw. Please don't mistake me - this is NOT a 'so bad, it's good' film. Honestly. I really looked for anything which would enable me to give it one star but couldn't find a single redeeming feature. 
Absolute toss. 0/10.

Zombi 2 (aka Zombie Flesh Eaters, aka Zombie) 1979

Director: Lucio Fulci
Starring: Tisa Farrow, Ian McCulloch, Richard Johnson

The film was titled Zombi 2 to cash in on Romero's Dawn of the Dead (1978) which was released in Italy as Zombi. The two films are unrelated. In 1984 this title was added to the UK's 'video nasty' list and banned. The uncut version I'm talking about today was not released in the UK until 2005.

The story begins with an apparently abandoned sail boat, heading towards New York. When the police investigate they are attacked by a huuuge zombie. This towering monster gets straight to business by ripping a cops throat out. Cue lingering close ups of jetting blood.

It transpires that the owner of the boat is missing somewhere in the Antilles and his daughter, Anne, is desperate to find out what happened to him. Whilst snooping around the boat she runs into Peter, a journalist, who is also hot on the story. Finding a letter from Anne's father, the pair rashly head off to the island of Matul to track him down.

On the island Dr Menard is studying a strange disease affecting the locals which appears to be resurrecting the dead. The hospital where he works is vile. The dead and dying lie in rows covered in grimy, bloodstained sheets and the only treatment is a high velocity injection of lead between the eyes.

Anne and Peter hitch a ride over to the island with a couple of sightseers, one of whom has a near miss whilst diving with both a shark AND a zombie!  Definitely one of my favourite scenes from the movie, and I suspect guys will enjoy it even more due to the incredibly teeny tiny bikini worn by the hot diver.

The action moves at a leisurely pace for the first 40 minutes. In theory, switching focus between the island and the travellers should add interest but I felt that it stalled the momentum and prevented tension from growing.

When the group reach the island and Menard briefs them on the situation they exhibit little surprise. Even when they visit the doctor's house and find a group of zombies chowing down on feast of entrails they remain remarkably stoic.

There is also a lack of screaming in the picture. Screams are reserved for when things get really, really bad. For example the eyeball scene. This one I won't spoil for you, but there is no wonder it was cut from the theatrical version.

Escaping the villa, the group stumble into a long forgotten burial ground which provides an opportunity to show the distinctive melted-waxy zombies in their full glory. When one of them popped out of the ground with real worms wriggling in its eye socket it almost put me off my spaghetti.

Unfortunately I found the final showdown a bit of a disappointment.  The somnambulent zombies are so slow and dense that despite their number it is difficult to be afraid. The sequence is also let down by continuity errors and the complete feebleness of the female characters.

I recognise that this film was sensational in its day and the scenes of gore and bloody special effects stand up very well even after 30+ years, but as a whole the film doesn't build up the necesary suspense to really hit home with the shocks. It's a vivid feast for the eyes but I feel that I would have enjoyed it more if it was half the length and lost the dialogue completely. In my humble opinion the film rates a 6/10.

Dead Snow 2009

Director: Tommy Wirkola
Starring: Jeppe Laursen, Lasse Valdal, Vergar Hoel

I've seen this Norwegian title around but avoided it thus far because, well, because of the lame title and the Nazi's. Oh yes these are no ordinary zombies. As I had nothing better to do on a grey afternoon I thought I'd give it a spin. I'm so glad that I did.

A group of medical students head into the mountains for Easter break. The snowy setting is glorious and though (as the characters acknowledge) the 'cabin in the woods' set up is a horror movie staple, it certainly makes a refreshing change from the backwoods of America.

On the first night at the cabin an older guy shows up and, after slagging off the students' tea making ability, he starts spouting off about Nazis and an evil presence on the mountain. As unlikely as this visit seems Bjorn Sundquist does a great job of sidestepping the stereotype and delivers his piece in a compelling deadpan.

He's not wrong either. After lucky film geek Erland (Laursen) gets it on with one of the girls in the outhouse she gets sucked down the toilet by one of  the zombies. This is exactly why I was afraid to use outdoors facilities as a child.

It's not long until the cabin is under attack by the Nazombies.  And these are not the dimwitted shambling zombies who can be fooled by a closed door. These mothers are organised, determined and they move FAST.

When they surround the house and start reaching through the windows Erland gets a sticky end befitting his Braindead t-shirt. I don't want to spoil it for you, but it's awesome OTT violence and decent effects make it a joy to watch.

The remaining group split up which gives them the opportunity to be butchered in a variety of bloody ways. I mean buckets of blood. Oozing, gushing, spraying, spurting and splattering.

The film is funny throughout, really more comedy than horror, but it's slick and pacey, not to mention the great Norwegian soundtrack. The script is self aware in a friendly inclusive way which celebrates rather than sneers at the genre.

It's obvious that those involved love horror movies and this is again evident when the lads find themselves in the tool shed arming themselves just like Ash from Evil Dead II.

The film culminates with two of the cast left standing absolutely drenched in gore after a fight with the Nazi undead which includes dismemberment,  beheading,  entrails and a chainsaw. The snow is stained with claret as far as the eye can see.

No it's not a scary movie but I was shocked at how much I enjoyed it. In fact I'm ready to watch it again right now and that's why it's getting 8/10.

No spoilers!!

A little bit more about this personal project. I'm not a critic or a writer (duh, right?) just a fan of the genre who is trying to learn by immersion. I try to approach each film with an open mind so that I can record my real gut reaction. I do my 'research' after watching the movie so I can get a flavour of what other folks are saying and find any interesting tidbits about the film.

I'm trying very hard not to include any spoilers but I'm finding there is a fine line to walk - without some of the gory details these posts will all be the same! It's also extremely difficult not to comment when there is a particular scene or effect which blew my skirt up.

So far I'm loving it. I've seen some diverse films and unearthed two gems I might never have found. I can't wait to see more.

So let's move on to Chapter Two - Zombies!!

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare (aka The Edge of Hell) 1987

Starring: Jon-Mikl Thor
Director: John Fasano

I had another movie in mind for the last of 80s week but then I stumbled across this title. How could I not be intrigued?

This Canadian film is purported to have been filmed in a week on a shoestring budget and I can believe it.  Jon-Mikl Thor, the wrestler-esque star, also wrote the screenplay and score as well as co-producing.

The story follows him and his band 'The Tritonz' as they go to a secluded farmhouse to hang out for a few weeks and work on their album (the barn has been converted into recording studio you see). Along with the band are their WAGs and all expect to have a rockin good time. What they don't know is that the house has a dark past and it's not long before they are beseiged by all manner of nasties.

2 minutes into the film I know I'm in for a complete shite fest when a gooey skeleton pops unconvincingly out of the oven. This is followed by a full FOUR MINUTES of shots of Thor driving his van listening to terrible music. I'm ready to turn it off.

The camera work is erratic,  the incidental music is grating and though there are two extended sex scenes in the movie one was boring and the other one made me vomit in my mouth.

But hang in there it gets better.

I warmed up a little to the cheesy 80s metal band and this kept me watching a little longer. Then there are the monsters. The first one we see after the terrifying skeleton looks a lot like Tarka Dal of the Vindaloovian Empire*. Despite the unscary puppet monsters I couldn't help but notice that the film oozes enthusiasm and everyone seems to be having fun.

I'll admit it. The crap film started to grow on me. We've got demonic possession, a scary kid, squidgy monsters, big hair, glam rock, flesh eating and bad sex but nothing can compare to what comes next.

The ending. WTF?!

I don't do spoilers so I can only say - prepare to witness the most epic battle between good and evil the world has ever seen. The ending is so unexpected and so insane that this film went from terrible to fantastic in an instant. I had tears of laughter streaming down my face!

I have no fair way to score this movie. It defies rationalisation.  The first hour deserves a 3/10 but the ending is off the charts.  On balance I'm giving it 5/10 because although you must watch it you do have sit through a lot of garbage to get the good stuff.

*Red Dwarf Season 6, Episode 3

Dark Night of the Scarecrow 1981

Starring: Charles Durning
Director: Frank De Felitta

Not to be confused with the 1995 film Night of the Scarecrow, this review is about the 1981 TV movie which was only recently released to DVD.

Ostensibly this is a stalk n slash movie but instead of a group of hapless teens the film casts a group of middle aged men as the victims/protagonists. The film begins with them giving into their fear and suspicion of a developmentally stunted man and his relationship with a little girl. When the girl has an accident the men take action against harmless Bubba whilst he is hiding disguised as a scarecrow. Following this, each of the vigilantes is plagued by guilt and tormented by visions of the scarecrow before they meet their demise.

I must admit that the story set up (in particular the way the men escape legal consequences) takes some suspension of disbelief; but from there on it is a chilling excercise in suspense.

When one of the men sees the scarecrow in his field for the first time it's a very unnerving moment. Dark night, drunk man, an unseen threat and dangerous farming equipment - it's a winning combination! The end of this sequence also segways beautifully into breakfast the next morning as a dollop of rasberry jam splashes onto the plate. Delicious.

The film is given credibility throughout by solid performances all round and the suspense is created by the growing fear shown by the men being stalked. I also loved that they try to use logical actions to understand their predicament. Their reactions are plausible and but though they act rationally they are still unable to avoid the inevitable making the film even more scary.

Finally, despite the inventive deaths there is zero gore in this movie. There isn't even a drop of blood until the climax. Usually that would be a problem for me because I love a good splatter fest but in this case it is just not needed. Interestingly enough though, despite the lack of gore (or sex or swearing) this film was given an 18 certificate on its UK release.

I would definitely recommend this hidden gem.7/10.

The Funhouse 1981

Starring: Elizabeth Berridge, Cooper Huckabee
Director: Tobe Hooper

Today's horrorific delight comes from the director of one of the scariest movies ever.

Four teenagers go to the carnival and make the questionable decision to spend the night in The Funhouse (what we would call the Ghost Train). After witnessing a murder they spend the night in fear for their lives as they are stalked by a murderer in a monster mask.

I liked the opening scene, nubile young Amy is getting into the shower whilst someone is creeping towards her in a clown mask. The shower curtain is whipped back and a large knife plunges down. The scene is an homage to both Hitchcock and Carpenter and to me it says "Ok now we've acknowledged those guys, let's get on with my movie"

Some people have criticised the film saying that nothing happens in the first half but I disagree. The two couples take their time exploring the carnival. It may be my own feelings about fairgrounds and carnivals but I found there was tension. From the subtly distasteful Barker to the too realistic freakshow I was uneasy.

The first time we see the shuffling figure in the Frankenstein's monster mask we know there is something 'nor right' about this guy. He later pays the carnival's aged fortune teller for a sad sexual encounter and keeps the mask on. Now we know. Whatever is under the mask, it can't be good.

I was torn at this stage,  I enjoy the anticipation but I'm also dying for him to take off the mask. When it does happen it's not disappointing.  I even gasped a little. Yes it's no cgi but by 1981 standards that was some impressive special effects make-up. It's fairly disturbing.

What was more disturbing to me though was the 'monster's' pitiful moans and whines (not dissimilar to Leatherface). There is something terrible about his subhuman cries which really gnaws at you. Given the cruelty of his existence it is hard not to have sympathy for the creature.  Clearly it was no coincidence that Hooper had him wear the mask of Dr Frankenstein's tragic creation.

For a typical slasher the murders are not spectacular and there is a disappointing absence of gore. I felt that the film was lacking a few short sharp shocks. But it's well put together and the acting is better than most 80s horrors. It didn't blow my mind but it's worth a look and I'm giving it 6/10.

Bloody Pom Poms (aka Cheerleader Camp) 1988

Starring: Betsy Russell
Director: John Quinn

I think the more commonly used title for this movie is Cheerleader Camp but I just love the visual that Bloody Pom Poms conjures up. And its so adorably cheesy!

A group of teens head to Camp Hurrah for the summer. They intend to hone their cheering skills and be named the number one cheer squad at camp. One of the girls, Alison is suffering severe teen angst and is plagued by nightmares. When kids start to go missing and murder is suspected Alison starts to wonder if she might be responsible.

First of all I loved the intro music. It reminded me of the songs I wrote on my Bontempi keyboard aged 8. Combine this with the Elm Street vibe and use of the phrase "trouser trout" in the first five minutes and I had high hopes for this movie.

There are quite a few attempts at comedy in the film. I really enjoyed the surreal scene with the mascots eating breakfast - not every movie can boast a 7 foot crocodile sticking a baguette up it's nose!

In terms of the plot though it is somewhat confusing. The timeline and characters actions are unclear. Why is Alison always wandering around on her own for example.

It's not a scary film but there is at least one nice death scene. There is also lots of boob action in this movie if you enjoy a little juvenile titillation. I also have to say that whilst I thought I had the killer pegged early on, there were enough quirks to make me think again before the end and I was quite satsfied with the final scene.

Overall I enjoyed the film a wee bit. There was enough which was funny or bad to keep me entertained but it certainly but I wouldn't recommend it to a friend.

My score would be 5/10

Interesting bit of trivia here - the lead actress Betsy Russell later appeared in Saw films 3-7!

Sleepaway camp 1983

Starring: Felissa Rose
Directed (and written) by: Robert Hiltzik

This movie is known to me as having one of the most scandalous endings in horror movie history - at least for its time. The premise is that a very shy girl named Angela goes to summer camp for the first time with her cousin.

Angela is a sweet faced thing who rarely speaks; probably on account of the traumatic loss of her family as a child. She gradually begins to open up at camp, despite the bullying and nasty attitudes she recieves from the camp bitches. Then in the tradition of slasher movies people begin to die.

So what did I think? Well for the first 10 minutes I laughed my ass off. Not because it's intentionally funny but because it's bad. An unfortunate accident on the water is dramatised by repeatedly screaming "A boat! A boat!! Oh GOD the BOAT!!!" then the camera cuts ineptly to a body bobbing face down in the water.

We are then swept 8 years into the future where the sole survivor of the accident (Angela) is being talked at by her peculiar aunt. There is no explanation for the aunt's odd behaviour or manner of speech and I still can't decide if she is supposed to be comical, but I actually think she is my favourite part of the movie.

The acting throughout is dreadful. Truly I have seen more compelling performances in a Year 7 production of Grease. I realise that stalker movies are not well known for character development but this film is inhabited by paper thin stereotypes who over react to everything without reason.

I was particularly disturbed by the portrayal of an obvious paedophile who leers over the teenage campers. His vile innuendos are met with laughter from his friends as though he made a slightly cheeky joke. Thankfully it is not long until he gets his just desserts. And it is unpleasant. The screams go on for an uncomfortably long time.

The story goes on as you might expect. Lovely Angela grows in confidence and even finds a little romance. Meanwhile campers begin to die in various ways. The film attempts to divert suspicion in different directions but it is so poorly done it tends to have the opposite effect.

Personally I didn't feel suspense or shock during the film and it was a struggle to sit through it. Whether it was the poor performances, the pacing or the terrible direction, I just didn't care what happened next.

The ending is pretty freaky I must admit. It leaves an image burned on the retinas. However, after the final scene had faded I felt unsatisfied. There was no conclusion just a "ta da!" and then curtain dropped.

Overall it is a bad bad movie with 10 seconds of awesome at the end. I wouldn't watch the film again under any circumstances. For the unique finale alone I give it 4/10.

The reason we're here

The mission here is to watch as many horror movies as I can and then post my comments about them.

I love horror films in all their various incarnations, but the problem is - so many movies, so little time! I wanted a way to push myself to see as many of these bloodsoaked offerings as possible and hopefully learn more about the diverse and prolific genre.

So I created a list of 'must see' movies (over 300 so far) gathered from top lists, recommendations and reviews. I intend to ultimately embark on a 365 films in 365 days mission but first I'm cutting my teeth by trawling the net for titles which take my fancy and scribbling down my first thoughts.

And this week it's 80s week.